an epiphany reached

these couple of weeks has had me thinking about things. i know, i know, i've been thinking about things too much and blah blah blah. but honestly, i've learnt not to fall in love with a straight guy. it hurts. a lesson well learnt in fact. i won't say i don't care about him romantically anymore because i don't think that is even possible but i've come to terms with the fact that it's impossible for us to be together or be linked in any way other than just platonic friends.

i also don't think i'll stop falling for straight guys. i think it's in my character. it's in my make-up. i can't run from it. sometimes i really do wonder if all of us are in fact masochistic in a way. i read in another blog about this idea and truly, she articulated wot i've long wanted to say. i've kept quiet because i thought i was in this alone. i mean, in a way, i believe all of us are masochists. we keep throwing ourselves back into the pain and torture. it's a kind of sick pleasure.

meanwhile, i've learnt that submission is very much important in a relationship. submission both ways. but am i into bdsm? no. of course i'm not. i'm also not into the whole "if you love me, you'll love me for who i am" bullshit anymore. that's too freaking selfish. buy a doll and fall in love with it if you need your lover to entwine you like weed. and apart from it being selfish, it actually cannot be applied to real life situations, especially in the gay world. we are all but humans and as humans, we are somehow superficial - in ways we could never imagine. it's in our genetic make up.

it is funny how things turn out the way it did. i feel like i've grown. maybe it is because i'm turning 21 in about a month's time. that scares me. 21. an adult. and i barely act like one.

grey

he was hanged this morning.

i'm not for capital punishment neither am i against it. all i am saying is that if people (esp singaporean) wanted to protest against capital punishment, then be consistent. where were all the protests against the death sentence when anthony ler was sentenced? where were the prostests against death penalty when huang na's killer was convicted and sentenced?

why this one? why this case? wot's the difference? how can we choose who should be given the death penalty and who shouldn't?!

the law is reason free from passion. i always believed that aristotle might have been flawed when making this statement but given the outcry derived from this incident, i think he has got it right. a country's law has to be upheld no matter wot. people should not judge others based on their emotions. because emotions cloud they mind and prevent us from thinking clearly and clouds our better judgement.

i'm not for or against the death sentence. i just feel that there is a need for consistency.

don't judge me

i hate when people judge me. who are you to judge me?

i'm going on a date tomorrow. and yes, i'm going to meet him at his hotel room. and before you jump out and scream i'm a slut, let me just say that i know who i am and i know what i am. and to be quite honest, that's all that is important.

phil thinks that i'm making such a big mistake and that i am going to be sleeping with brett(my date's name). and well jin thinks that as well. you can call it concern and care for my principles and the things that i grew up upholding, but really, i know you are judging me. don't look at me and speak to me as if you know wot's good or right for me, because you don't.

let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. so don't judge me unless you are so pure yourself. up till now, i have not succumb to temptations. i have not let go of my principles. and i will still hold on to them. and if i do decide to sleep with brett, that's because i want to.

yes, i know i should choose a different location for a date if i had not wanted to give that impression. but really, i don't exactly care. i never did ask for anyone's opinions and i certainly don't need it. i have never done things for the sake of other people and i'm not about to start.