life's like an hourglass glued to the table

But my God it's so beautiful
when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but
maybe I'll just sing about it

-can you help me unravel my latest mistake?-

love actually

i finally told phil how i felt. i was on the verge of breaking down due to the drama that went on last night (read: where from here) and phil was on the phone with me trying to calm me down.

and then it came out. everything. he asked me wot it is that i am hiding, so afraid that others would find out. i told him i am not afriad of others finding out, i was afraid he would find out. and then it came out. everything.

he is just too sweet, too nice, too everything i ever dreamed of. he stayed on the phone with me even though he has an exam to study for. how is it that my life is so tragic. that the people i fall in love with cannot love me back the way i want them to. i told phil everything.

from i can't help falling for him even though i know it'll never be between us to the fact that the smallest little thing i do, reminds me of him and i'd jump over the moon if he had wanted me to. and he knew that. and he's sorry. and i don't want him to be sorry because i put myself through this.

he asked if i was not with anyone because of him. of course not. i was not with anyone even before i knew him! but knowing him and falling for him makes it difficult for me to find someone. more so than ever. because every guy i meet or talk to, has to measure up to phil. which is not fair, i know. but i'm too enamoured to care.

i wished you had never told me that you wanted to send me home that night even though you had told me earlier that you had planned to go back to the hostel. i wish you would have just told me that you wanted to go home too. and that you had something to do at home. because then, it'll make me stop loving you that much.

i don't know why i told him everything. i wasn't even drunk! i can't get drunk because i don't drink. maybe it was the whole drama that happened.

he told me things will never change between us. because i'm too special a friend to lose.

and then my heart sank deeper.

sometimes, i wished you are not as lovely to me.

he's taking me out to dinner on the 16th. shall i go for the dinner?

where from here?

what are we facing? where do we go from here?

i make no apologies for how i act or behave. i am never sorry for how gay i am. because i've always walked that way, talked that way, fling my arms around that way and i've always loved all of you that way. i never thought anything of it until you made me realise.

i don't remember ever feeling like our friendship is on shaky grounds but last night, i could barely keep myself from falling. i sat there in disbelief. 8 years of friendship and you thought you would know the people you call close friends. but alas, 8 years of friendship really is nothing, because after 8 years, i still have not the slightest clue who we are, who you are, who i am.

i'm not about to change. whether you believe it's for the better or not, i'm not about to change myself. i've never changed myself, my beliefs.. not for you, not for the world, not for anyone. this is me. no matter what. because i know who i am. and as much as you would want us to speak properly or be more grown-up, i refuse to do anything. truth be told, i speak perfectly fine. i know how to carry myself well. i am not bothered by wot others think. because honestly, i'm done bothering about wot people think of me. i'm tired of having to come home and cry whenever someone say something mean or something i didn't like. whenever someone pass a judging glance.. i'm tired of having to care.

i've learnt the hard way, to never let it get that far

and so i act as how i want to act. who cares wot other people think of you? they don't validate you. you validate your own life. whether or not they are judging me, i still lead a more fabulous life than they ever will. because at the end of the day, i'd have my close friends to call on. to spend time with. to have fun with.

don't say i take it all for granted, i am well aware of wot i have. don't think that i am disenchanted, please understand.

but i have insecurities to hide. don't you know? the louder the person is, the more he has to hide? i guess not.

argh. i just wish this whole thing will just blow over. i can't take this. i love you guys too much.