Sunday, October 09, 2005

chinapore

ok.. the title itself can get me into trouble. but i do have to bring your attention to a blog that i think is quite funny.

chinapore.blogspot.com

i'm too lazy to link you, so if you want, go cut and paste. but honestly, if chinapork were to read this entry, he'll just confirm that all malays are lazy since i AM lazy to go and link the page.

nonetheless, i could never really be bothered about the whole racist blog attacks thingy because for one, racism is so apparent in singapore. i mean, the country banks on racial harmony day to promote racial tolerance, that in itself is wrong.

you can't eradicate prejudicism. you definitely cannot eradicate racism. it's impossible. because being a racist is something innate. something that has been imbued in us since we were young by the government, parents, our friends, our friend's parents. it's an ongoing process. it's sad really but that's the awful truth.

and let me first state that the chinese community are not the only people who are racist. the indians, the malays.. we are all racist. albeit we are not as vocal as the 3 bloggers but we do have racist sentiments towards other races and hell, in my case, towards our own race!

but before people start jumping on my case and label me a racist, i have to make it known that i'm a malay. argh!!! surprise?! i was educated in some of the best schools in singapore - One of the premier boys' schools in singapore and i had the pleasure of having my junior college education in a top 5 jc and i've secured a place in NUS after i ord next year. double shocker?!? and no.. my parents did not sell drugs to get me to school. my mom is not a housewife who gets beaten by my drunk/gambling-addicted father. and no.. i don't have nine siblings. i only have 2 older brothers. and yes, they've all been through university and graduated. and no.. we don't live in a small 2-room flat somewhere in geylang or wherever it is you people think poor people live. we live comfortably in a double storey house.

such a shocker isn't it that malays like us exist? i bet the racist bloggers or whoever else who is racist can't stand the fact that malays like us exist.

i don't get the whole racist thing. i mean, you honestly thing you are better than the others? by virtue of your race and language and all that other nonsense you so proudly proclaim, you honestly think you are better than the rest of us who belongs to the minority races? you're really very funny!

yes, i agree with you.. there are many malays who do not have higher education, or rather do not have the luxury of having such good education. many of the malays or as we call them nowadays 'mats' only know how to skip school and take drugs and what nots. and yes, we malays have, as chinapork proudly proclaimed in his reassessment of the theory of evolution, efficient reproductive genes, in that we reproduce like rats. and yes malay teenagers nowadays have nothing better to do than to skip school and get themselves pregnant.

nonetheless, i believe you failed to open your eyes and see that there are so many others that are successful. that have gone through school. that have jobs and careers (and by that, i don't mean as the delivery boy to some fast food restaurants)! i don't understand where you think you stand to actually make such stereotypical judgements and such sweeping statements.

and let me be the first to say that i am a racist. ok, maybe it's too harsh a word. but i'm a racist towards my own race. or at least i think that i'm racist for thinking such thoughts. i'm often wrought with guilt whenever i think such thoughts. i mean, there are times when i feel like we malays have not done anything to prove otherwise to all these racist or sceptics out there. yes, we should not have to prove to them in the first place but really, truth be told.. if there were no such thing as racism and stuff like these, i daresay we would not push ourself to do better. we would just rest on our laurels and wait for the government or whoever else it is to come and help us.

it's ridiculous. i believe that we should stand up for ourselves and work towards a better tomorrow for ourselves. we should not depend on the government or other people, for that matter, to make our future better for us! honestly, there are times when i'm so irritated by malay delinquents. i mean, here i am, busting my ass off to get into a good school. i mug like crazy to just prove to other people that we malays can achieve something, can make it to university. can have a career. and there they are ruining it for people like me. i hope i'm not being a racist for saying that. but it's true. and when racist bloggers post their thoughts about our race on the internet, we get all worked up. truthfully.. let me ask you this question.. why!? don't you think it's too late? it's a fact that we have to prove to the others that we are not lazy. we are not drug addicts. we are responsible. so why ruin it?

thus, it is why when i read about affirmative actions or bumiputra or whateva it is that people of the minority groups get i get quite irritated. malays shouldn't depend on affirmative actions. there should be equality in everything. why is it that we only need to pay a certain amount for our school fees when other people have to pay the normal price? are we not capable of doing things for ourselves?

Martin Luther King once said: "judge my people by the contents of our brains and not by the colour of our skin"

being a malay has granted me great opportunities, of course for my secondary school education i did pay the full price because it's not a government school. many a times i wonder if i made it to university because of my grades, because i worked hard for it and because i deserved it or because affirmative action has taken place.

i want people to judge me and my community by the contents of our brains. by the fact that we are intelligent and creative beings. and not because we are malays so we get special priviledges.

someday i guess things will change. but honestly, stop the hating y'all.

regretfully...

i went for the date the past monday. i wasn't nervous nor was i scared. i suppose i kinda psyched myself up for it. my heart was beating fast tho. but then, i wouldn't be too quick as to say that i was nervous or scared. perhaps apprehensive. i was having those little conversations with myself. telling myself that i made the right choice in taking the risk. after all, there are no strings attached and i get a free dinner.

i met him at hotel 1929. such old school charm the place had. it was modern, yet somehow, retro chic. as i walked towards the main entrance, i saw him. my heart beat was getting faster. should i turn around and get back into the cab? i was suddenly unsure of what i was doing there.

ember is a gorgeous restaurant. quiant with a rather warm ambience amidst the cold blowing air conditioning. we ordered and started our conversations. i felt alright after awhile. finally settling into the conversations and warmed up to him. he kept talking about the time he was in singapore and going to a club which no longer existed.

honestly, i've never felt so out of place before in my life. i finally saw myself in the mirror. i was a total slut. ok perhaps not a slut since i'm not actually going to sleep with him. but i was pimping my ass for a free meal. a very good and expensive free meal. where were my principles?

i felt so young and as i stared at him, he looked so old. the conversations we had. it was painful. enjoyable but painful. kinda like sadism. i kept having to pretend i was very mature. just so i could match his train of thoughts. but the truth is, i'm only 20. and he is well.. 52. a good 32 years older than me.

he kept asking about my take on love and realtionship. i knew he wanted to take it a step further. nonetheless, i will not let myself go down that road. i'm far too young to be in a commited relationship with someone far too old to be having one with me.

honestly, on the inside, he's someone i could see myself dating. he's a nice guy. and he knows how to have a good conversation with me. someone with a good heart. but on the outside, i could never see any of that happening. it's too far-fetched. he is older. much older.

so in a battle between the outside and the inside, i'm afraid the outside won. because, truth be told, although we try to tell ourselves to not be superficial, we really are. because, for one, on the inside is something i care very little about.

was it awful of me to be distracted by the guy sitting at the next table rather than concentrating on our dinner and conversations? perhaps.

was it really awful of me to replace his face with that of phil? perhaps that was why i had a good time. because i envisioned myself being with phil. instead of him.