an epiphany reached
these couple of weeks has had me thinking about things. i know, i know, i've been thinking about things too much and blah blah blah. but honestly, i've learnt not to fall in love with a straight guy. it hurts. a lesson well learnt in fact. i won't say i don't care about him romantically anymore because i don't think that is even possible but i've come to terms with the fact that it's impossible for us to be together or be linked in any way other than just platonic friends.
i also don't think i'll stop falling for straight guys. i think it's in my character. it's in my make-up. i can't run from it. sometimes i really do wonder if all of us are in fact masochistic in a way. i read in another blog about this idea and truly, she articulated wot i've long wanted to say. i've kept quiet because i thought i was in this alone. i mean, in a way, i believe all of us are masochists. we keep throwing ourselves back into the pain and torture. it's a kind of sick pleasure.
meanwhile, i've learnt that submission is very much important in a relationship. submission both ways. but am i into bdsm? no. of course i'm not. i'm also not into the whole "if you love me, you'll love me for who i am" bullshit anymore. that's too freaking selfish. buy a doll and fall in love with it if you need your lover to entwine you like weed. and apart from it being selfish, it actually cannot be applied to real life situations, especially in the gay world. we are all but humans and as humans, we are somehow superficial - in ways we could never imagine. it's in our genetic make up.
it is funny how things turn out the way it did. i feel like i've grown. maybe it is because i'm turning 21 in about a month's time. that scares me. 21. an adult. and i barely act like one.
i also don't think i'll stop falling for straight guys. i think it's in my character. it's in my make-up. i can't run from it. sometimes i really do wonder if all of us are in fact masochistic in a way. i read in another blog about this idea and truly, she articulated wot i've long wanted to say. i've kept quiet because i thought i was in this alone. i mean, in a way, i believe all of us are masochists. we keep throwing ourselves back into the pain and torture. it's a kind of sick pleasure.
meanwhile, i've learnt that submission is very much important in a relationship. submission both ways. but am i into bdsm? no. of course i'm not. i'm also not into the whole "if you love me, you'll love me for who i am" bullshit anymore. that's too freaking selfish. buy a doll and fall in love with it if you need your lover to entwine you like weed. and apart from it being selfish, it actually cannot be applied to real life situations, especially in the gay world. we are all but humans and as humans, we are somehow superficial - in ways we could never imagine. it's in our genetic make up.
it is funny how things turn out the way it did. i feel like i've grown. maybe it is because i'm turning 21 in about a month's time. that scares me. 21. an adult. and i barely act like one.
the holy book (revised) @ 4:52 PM
2 Comments:
There is a thin line between changing to make a relationship better and changing entirely into someone that doesn't even resemble yourself just to make a relationship better.
Where is the line?
How do you know when you have changed too much and you barely recognise yourself?
Maybe to some extent the phrase " if you love me, you'll love who i am" crap is true.
If you change too much for a relationship, it makes you think whether that person loves this other person you have changed into but not you.
but then again it's not about changing the entire you for the person. it's always difficult to judge where that line stops.
but relationships are all about compromise. i believe that the "if you love me, you'll love me for who i am" bullshit should not be taken too lightly.
i'm talking about compromise. if you change your entire self, than wot's the point of living? right?
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