of love and all it's crazy splendour...

i've got to get some things off of my chest. this blog has turn to be quite the bitchy, fashion blog. maybe because more people are paying attention to it. but that's not what i had intended this to be. i guess it's true wot paris said in his last post with regards to g-star. when the knowledge of it gets around, it loses exclusivity. my blog is edging towards losing it's exclusivity. i feel like i'm selling out. and this has to stop. i mean i will of course inject fashion into this blog but one thing still remains.. it is my blog. a personal space that so happens to be a somewhat catharsis for me.

and so here it goes.

i've been chatting, ok more like emailling, nicky for a while now. we've chatted here and there on msn. and had an online intimate experience. i feel closer to him and yet so far away. actually, i'm not quite certain of my feelings. when we first started out emailing on fridae, i had told myself that in no way would i let myself fall into the deep end of the pool. it was going to be platonic. i mean how could it get any further than a platonic relationship? he is in china afterall. a canadian working in china.. hah.. wot are the odds of that happening? but yes. he is in china and i'm in singapore. obviously, it will never work out between us!

and i thought i've had it all figured out. i thought i've had a control over myself, over my feelings, over my emotions. alas, i was completely wrong. i started out knowing that we can only be friends. we should only be friends. but as time goes by, it seems that realization or confirmation is beginning to wane out. flutter away from my grasp. away from my understanding. suddenly knowing is no longer it anymore. because i do not know. the concept has become all too foreign for me.

i find myself falling. slowly, but surely. i'm not sure wot it is i'm falling into. it's like a bottomless pit. falling.. in love? ok, "in love" might be far too strong a word for it. but it could be the beginning of "in love". the warm, fuzzy, affectionate feeling you have for a man when you suddenly discovered that you liked him, that he was ok or even better than ok. that he was possibly extraordinary. it was a chrismassy feeling - cozy on the inside and all pretty & glittery on the outside.

it's crazy sometimes. now, i can't wait to go home just so i can check my inbox. like a child on christmas day, waiting in anticipation to open his presents. my heart beats faster when i see that i have new mail. hoping that one of them could be his. and when it is, my face just lights up. i smile uncontrollably. like as if it's everything i've ever wanted. it's silly, really. but wot can i do?

but i'm scared. i'm afraid of wot or how things might turn out. wot if we really do fall in love? wot if he actually wants to come down to singapore and be with me? each time i smile, my heart starts to tremble. wot if he thinks i'm fat? wot if he doesn't like wot he sees? wot if everything i had hoped for just suddenly falls apart? what if he breaks my heart? what if I break my own heart?

my heart couldn't possibly break, because it wasn't even whole to start with..

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meanwhile, paris is leaving for australia. military exercise. ten days. i'm so gonna miss him. perhaps that's how it is between fabulous, great friends. he's not even gone and you are already feeling the pain. have fun darling. or at least try to have fun. -muacks-