lacklustre...

it's like in hemingway's the sun also rises when mike campbell was asked how he became bankrupt. he replied:

"two ways - gradually and then suddenly"

i suppose depression is like that. one day you wake up and be so afraid that you'll live through the day. so afraid that you have to face wot you really are. you never exactly know what happened and all of a sudden, you're gone. there's no turning back. there is no answer. you wished there was. something. anything. anything at all to get you out of this mess. a solution. an advice. a pill. but nothing comes your way. nothing makes it all better.

you live through the day thinking. wondering if you could have turned out all better if things had gone your way. but no. nothing. nothing makes it all better.

i never could understand how i could live with myself. i laugh. i smile. i have alot of fun. if this was a card game, i'd call out 'bluff' because i'm bullshitting through my life.

no one seems to understand wot you're going through and all you need is someone to understand. someone to feel the way that you feel. someone to say something and makes it all better. makes it all go away. but nothing makes it all better. nothing.

how i wish that sometimes my life could be just like those in the movies. when a guardian angel would swoop in and take me away from all my troubles. preventing me from going over the edge - one leg at a time. giving me another reason to live. something. anything. but there's none.

because my life isn't a movie although sometimes it sure feels that way. when everybody around you just watches as you fall. you screamed out for help and no one reaches out a hand to hold you. each and everyone of them stays rooted in their seats. watching. just watching.

eveytime this happens, i just wished someone, anyone would stand up and shout 'cut'. so that all these will stop. all these will go away. but there's none.

reading back, i don't even know the point of this entry. it's like i just needed to write because i haven't been writing for a long time. i haven't found the motivation and the push to make me want to write something. anything. life's been complicated lately. and i thought turning 21 would make it all better. would make me understand things better. would make me look at things in a different perspective. but all i see through these eyes is a world in shades of black and grey. slowly, everything will just be a memory. a distant memory.

if only someone would stand up and shout 'cut'.