i feel ..

cheated. stupid.

phil sent me an sms saying he can't make it for dinner tonight because bhai (mutual friend he decided to invite for dinner) couldn't make it.. and that -get this- his mom wants him to stay home for dinner.

right. don't insult my intelligence please.

honestly, i'm so stupid! i'm so foolish! why is it that i look for such torture. for such pain. he's not to blame. i'm at fault. i did everything willingly. he didn't even have to beg. i'd just do it in a heart beat if he asks.

i'm so foolish to believe that he'll be alright with me liking him. he's straight. straight guys are all the same. it's their natural behaviour. they get homophobic.

and i.. i bruise too easily.

with bated breaths

it's 7.30 pm.

i'm waiting patiently by the phone. waiting for the jump on the phone. waiting for your name to appear on the screen. i'm just waiting for the time when you keep to your promise. they say good things come to those who wait. and so i wait..

7.40pm. and i'm still waiting. stressing, watching tv. i glanced every so often to the direction of my phone. i checked my cell just to see if i'd have missed your call or you sms. damn ringtones, at times i can't hear them! but nothing.

i'm not so sure why i'm reacting this way. maybe it's because i am in too deep. but how can that be? i've told myself time and again that there never could be anything going on between him and me. we're like 2 cars travelling on opposite sides of the road. we merely pass by each other but never long enough to know. never close enough to collide.

my blog has been rather bleak nowadays. i think i need a break from phil. but that's crazy. we were never together for me to want a break from him. i can't control how i feel. i can't control my heart.

how can i not love him? and even if i wanted to, what do i tell my heart?

it's ten to 8.. and i'm still waiting. am i fool to believe?