how the mighty have fallen

it's funny how, in a world of gym bunnies, my answer to losing weight is not eating and sticking my finger down my throat. yes, i've said it.. i sticked my finger down my throat and threw up what i ate the hour before. i had been so used to not eating that when i started eating a full meal, my whole body system just rejects it and my mind keeps telling me that i'm killing myself by eating a full meal. so, guilty laden, i made my way to the loo and threw up everything i ate. i felt better. suprisingly.

but then i saw myself in the mirror and i realise i don't know the person staring back at me. it's almost as if i'm looking at a complete stranger. what am i doin to myself? when did i become this compulsive idiot so obsessed with not eating? i hate what i'm doing to myself but i don't know how to stop it. i'm famished now but sub-conciously i'm stopping myself from going to the kitchen and grab a bite. my mind just went blank and i just am not going to eat.

i checked my machine. i've left the 3 digits and onto 2 digits again. the machine's a bit spoiled, it showed 87kg but i don't think it's telling me the right thing. i still feel fat and look fat. so i'm sure i am 90+ kg. well, one month of not eating and we'll see how.

each minute that passed passes with my stomach growling. i'm not certain why i'm doing this to myself. but i am. perhaps i've finally come to terms with how society view people like me. ignored. i'm fat and i need to lose weight.

i feel like a new person. it's a revelation of sorts. i'm not sure where this is leading me to. i'm not sure whether it's for the better or for the worse. i guess we'll see how it goes in the weeks to come.

i'm trying out something new today. i'm trying to just take fluids and not eating. perhaps for today and tomorrow. detox? i need to see the difference. i'm feeling giddy but i have to persist. it's something i must do, something i need to do!

god forgive me if anything should happen to me.