the heart question

I carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart
i am never without it, anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart
- e e cummings

confessions on a dancefloor

it's been ages since i last clubbed. it was that fateful mariah tribute night @ happy. i'm feeling the itch. i'm feeling the itch to dance, writhe on the dance floor. grind bodies with faceless strangers and if i'm lucky/unlucky get to be snogged by a complete stranger again.

i'm not sure wot provoked such a desire to go clubbing again. i've long decided that i'm far too tired to keep on clubbing but once in a while when life throws you lemons.. you know the saying.
i guess partly was due to my rift with phil. i'm still a little bit upset with him but i know i'll get over it. i know that i'll wake up and realize how silly i was to be affected by this. i mean, come on, he's straight! it's obvious i won't be in his mind.

but who am i kidding? i need to get out of feeling this way. i'm so desperate to forget him, to stop loving him that i'm afraid i might just do anything on impulse. i might take a chance on alcohol. hey, baby steps! i might be slightly upset but i'm not going to go out and get myself into a one night stand! alcohol is a big thing for me if i ever try it!


bleargh! i need to go shopping but my bank account balance looks bleak. i can't go and ask my mom for my other atm because then she'll know i've been spending too much money and will stop my spending with immediate effect.

i need a boyfriend. a real one. one who loves me back the way i love him! a gay one. a tall tanned gay one. no, i need a...

phil