we are all but human afterall...

i contradict myself at times. i'm an advocate for people who stands up for themselves and trust their own instincts and feelings. i don't care about what people think or say because as long as i am happy, the others can go stick their thumb up where the sun don't shine. however, though i stand firm in what i say, there are those times when i falter. we are all but human afterall..

i get caught up in my own emotions. and i start to take in what people are actually saying, talking about me. and so on that fateful 23rd May 2005, at a beautiful wedding that a gay man could only imagine of having.. i lost.

at that point of time, i was already feeling completely alone. i mean, here i am at a beautiful church wedding and all i could feel was complete lost. it's like i was surrounded by so many people and yet i'm all alone. i feel so lost. i kept thinking of my life. and how it's going nowhere in terms of love. if i sobbed, it's not because of the wedding, it was probably because i saw myself years from now.. sitting on the bench - alone.

so while i was feeling awful and trying to regain my composure, my ex-tutor taps me and told me i've put on weight. the audacity! there i was in my beautiful $120 crisp Raoul shirt and in a beautiful wedding and i looked like a million bucks but felt so worthless. it's as if i'm not worth more than a single cent. it was horrible. i let my emotions get the best of me. i let other people's opinions get the best of me. it's annoying. i let my guard down and that was a bad choice.

walking around the malls during this wonderful period of the 'Great Singapore Sale', i couldn't help but to look into the mirrors. all i could see was a fat boy. i mean, i wasn't really fat but i felt sooo grossly overweight. and so everything started to fall. the reality of the matter emerged. i couldn't fit into things. I was at Zara and for the first time i could sense the death stares of the sales person. well not so much death stares but the look of judgement. i know they were judging me. it's like looking at my body type, they knew i could never fit into their couture and thus need not serve me. i lost all hype to shop.

i have a huge ass, tummy and god-forbid, man boobs. i feel so unproportionate and so ugly. believe you me. that never happened to me before. the one thing that i treasure most and that i am proud of, is my confidence. no one could take that away from me. i would do things and as long as i know i'm doing it right, i didn't care what people thought. and now all that is gone..

i feel like a part of me is lost. gone. somehow, i dunno who i am anymore..