you'll never understand unless you're in my skin...

it's funny how you can tell me that you understand that that is how i want to live my life. do you? do you really understand? you have no idea what is going on in my mind. you don't understand how it is to be living as a gay man. to be living as a gay man in a world where the society-at-large just scrutinizes your every move and give you the dirty look. it's as if i'm carrying the AIDS virus. it's as if I brought the HIV virus to light because i am gay.

have you ever lived as a gay man before? do you really know or comprehend how it is like? you told me you were lesbian once and you still have feelings for girls but that is still not the same as living as a gay man, is it? you live a life where you are not heavily scrutinize as a sexual minority. girl-on-girl relationships are fine. but boy-on-boy relationships are just plain taboo.

i don't care if you don't want to be my cover up. i'm not asking you to. you are so full of yourself that it sickens me to the hilt. listen, don't use this as some kind of a lame excuse to break off our friendship. if you don't want to be a friend, then just tell me. tell it to my face! i mean, after all, if you have the guts to hurt me, at least have the balls (even if you're a woman) to do it to my face!

you cut our conversation with a cheap shot and never replied to any of my other text messages. it's amazing how i could fend off all the rumours surrounding you. i mean i practically killed every bad remarks made about you. but in the end, they were all true. you are the two-faced bitch who is so full of herself that everyone is talking about. i'm not hard up for your love or friendship.

the day when i asked you back as my friend, i really missed you and i didn't want to throw what we had before away just because of some silly misunderstanding. now, i'm just regretting my decision. i should have just listened to my friends.

my heart aches like as though it has been ripped out of my body and trampled over. wait. it has been trampled. you trampled over it.. dance all over it's meshed up pieces. i hope you are happy.

we spiral in and out...

since the last time i blogged. i've already stopped my crazy diet. i started eating and that was a revelation in itself. oliver's been bugging me to quit my crazy diet because it's killing me. actually he made me teared. he told me that i am not strong and that i'm weak. weak in that i've fallen into society's pressure and lost the one thing that made me unique. his words hit me like daggers through my heart. but i was enlightened.

i took a long hard look at myself in the mirror that evening and i realised i've lost myself. i've lost the person who i've always known. i ate a meal that night. it was hard but i did. this journey to losing weight is a long and hard one. i texted oliver, telling him he won. that i've eaten a meal and i will stop this crazy diet. he told me he won back a friend. a friend who knows what's best for him and not someone caught up in other people's expectations.

so far i've been running once a week with colin. it's hard! really exhausting but i guess i've gotta do it. people are being supportive of me exercising to lose weight. it's amazing! so, i've gotta persevere. it's hard. but it beats killing myself.

sometimes, we spiral in and out of our bodies. and in that journey, we get to take a look at ourselves from the outside. it's not a very pretty picture.