regretfully...
i went for the date the past monday. i wasn't nervous nor was i scared. i suppose i kinda psyched myself up for it. my heart was beating fast tho. but then, i wouldn't be too quick as to say that i was nervous or scared. perhaps apprehensive. i was having those little conversations with myself. telling myself that i made the right choice in taking the risk. after all, there are no strings attached and i get a free dinner.
i met him at hotel 1929. such old school charm the place had. it was modern, yet somehow, retro chic. as i walked towards the main entrance, i saw him. my heart beat was getting faster. should i turn around and get back into the cab? i was suddenly unsure of what i was doing there.
ember is a gorgeous restaurant. quiant with a rather warm ambience amidst the cold blowing air conditioning. we ordered and started our conversations. i felt alright after awhile. finally settling into the conversations and warmed up to him. he kept talking about the time he was in singapore and going to a club which no longer existed.
honestly, i've never felt so out of place before in my life. i finally saw myself in the mirror. i was a total slut. ok perhaps not a slut since i'm not actually going to sleep with him. but i was pimping my ass for a free meal. a very good and expensive free meal. where were my principles?
i felt so young and as i stared at him, he looked so old. the conversations we had. it was painful. enjoyable but painful. kinda like sadism. i kept having to pretend i was very mature. just so i could match his train of thoughts. but the truth is, i'm only 20. and he is well.. 52. a good 32 years older than me.
he kept asking about my take on love and realtionship. i knew he wanted to take it a step further. nonetheless, i will not let myself go down that road. i'm far too young to be in a commited relationship with someone far too old to be having one with me.
honestly, on the inside, he's someone i could see myself dating. he's a nice guy. and he knows how to have a good conversation with me. someone with a good heart. but on the outside, i could never see any of that happening. it's too far-fetched. he is older. much older.
so in a battle between the outside and the inside, i'm afraid the outside won. because, truth be told, although we try to tell ourselves to not be superficial, we really are. because, for one, on the inside is something i care very little about.
was it awful of me to be distracted by the guy sitting at the next table rather than concentrating on our dinner and conversations? perhaps.
was it really awful of me to replace his face with that of phil? perhaps that was why i had a good time. because i envisioned myself being with phil. instead of him.
i met him at hotel 1929. such old school charm the place had. it was modern, yet somehow, retro chic. as i walked towards the main entrance, i saw him. my heart beat was getting faster. should i turn around and get back into the cab? i was suddenly unsure of what i was doing there.
ember is a gorgeous restaurant. quiant with a rather warm ambience amidst the cold blowing air conditioning. we ordered and started our conversations. i felt alright after awhile. finally settling into the conversations and warmed up to him. he kept talking about the time he was in singapore and going to a club which no longer existed.
honestly, i've never felt so out of place before in my life. i finally saw myself in the mirror. i was a total slut. ok perhaps not a slut since i'm not actually going to sleep with him. but i was pimping my ass for a free meal. a very good and expensive free meal. where were my principles?
i felt so young and as i stared at him, he looked so old. the conversations we had. it was painful. enjoyable but painful. kinda like sadism. i kept having to pretend i was very mature. just so i could match his train of thoughts. but the truth is, i'm only 20. and he is well.. 52. a good 32 years older than me.
he kept asking about my take on love and realtionship. i knew he wanted to take it a step further. nonetheless, i will not let myself go down that road. i'm far too young to be in a commited relationship with someone far too old to be having one with me.
honestly, on the inside, he's someone i could see myself dating. he's a nice guy. and he knows how to have a good conversation with me. someone with a good heart. but on the outside, i could never see any of that happening. it's too far-fetched. he is older. much older.
so in a battle between the outside and the inside, i'm afraid the outside won. because, truth be told, although we try to tell ourselves to not be superficial, we really are. because, for one, on the inside is something i care very little about.
was it awful of me to be distracted by the guy sitting at the next table rather than concentrating on our dinner and conversations? perhaps.
was it really awful of me to replace his face with that of phil? perhaps that was why i had a good time. because i envisioned myself being with phil. instead of him.
the holy book (revised) @ 5:18 AM
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