Wednesday, December 14, 2005

ummm, excuse me.. intro-seduce yourself to me please!

there's a sudden surge in readership for this blog. the number of page loads has gone up by about 200 hits over a period of one day! so i went to do a little checking.. seems like there are a few people out there (new ones, i gather) reading wot i write. hmmm, excuse me.. introseduce yourself please! haha!

i think i'm deteriorating in the brains department. my mind seems to refuse to transmit any form of intelligible thoughts for me to blog on. or maybe i'm starting to be lazy. hah! perhaps that's just it.

watched Oi! Sleeping Beauty last night with my sister-in-law (ok, she's not exactly my sister-in-law yet, but my brother's working on it! hehe) and i must say, it's one fabulous show! its witty dialogues and the seemless adaptation of a classic fairytale to suit modern singapore context and it's ever changing faces makes the play/musical worth the money spent! i simply enjoyed the show through and through and even had stomach cramps (and i'm not talking pms, people! -roll eyes-) walking out of the drama centre! i recommend everyone to go and catch the musical if you have not because i can guarantee it's something you won't regret.

Anyways, i met some SC member from my JC, she came right up to us and said hi to me. i completely have no idea who she is and she just came right up and said "hey -my name-, how are you doing?" my god! how these people still remember me i have no idea. i was quite embarrassed because i don't know wot her name was so i had to make bite sized conversations and bid her farewell asap! haha!

one of the issues raised in the show, which i found had particularly piqued my interest, was the issue on dreams. it was on how we live on practical situations and the so-called "reality" that we've become so mundane and soul-less that we've forgotten how to dream.

"there's no such thing as dreams, only benchmarks"

these words reverberated in my mind throughout my journey home. as i sat in my brother's car staring out the window, i pondered on those words. it's so true that it pinches me back to my own reality. being practical has completely taken over my dreams. and now, i don't live for my dreams, but i live for the benchmarks i set for myself. it's sad actually. i've completely neglected my dreams and my passion and i've gone straight to the "better tomorrow" aspect of practicality. i guess that is why i'm always stressing. i set benchmarks for myself to achieve.

when i was younger, i was a dreamer. a big one, at that. but when i was in primary school, i set my first benchmark. going no where else but SJI. and then i worked towards it. and i got wot i wanted. i secured a place in SJI. and throughout my four years in SJI, i set a benchmark on which junior college i wanted to go - Victoria Junior College. but along the way, i set a few more benchmarks for myself to achieve in hopes of landing me in the school that i wanted. and so i worked hard. and that's when i fell. my O Level grades were stellar, not stellar enough to get me to RJ but good enough to get me a place in VJ. and yet when it comes down to the actual thing, i didn't get the school that i wanted. that was the first sign of me falling short of my high expectations. but of course, i was offered a place at another top 5 a ston'es throw away. i was happy but not over-joyed.

i think it was from that point of time that i realised i was quite the failure. and i just began to put benchmarks on everything i do. my dreams have become secondary to me. actually, come to think of it, i don't exactly know wot my dreams are anymore. it's like i set benchmarks for myself and when i couldn't achieve it, i'll change it for something else. and that's how my dreams got lost i suppose. in the midst of re-assessing and setting up new benchmarks for me to follow, i simply let go off the one thing that made me uniquely me - my dreams.

it's kinda sad actually, to not remember wot your dreams were. to not have dreams and to just live with expectations. expectations of yourself from your self and the expectations of others.

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