dancing in the wind

i love performing. i love being on stage. the feel of excitement in the air. anticipation and nervousness so intense you could cut it with a steak knife. it's the adrenaline rush right before you step onto stage. it's the feeling you get when the lights dim and you are moments away from entering a different world.

more than anything, i love dancing. i often pride myself in being able to dance well. but then again, i'm not sure. not sure anymore.. my friends and i have recently joined (or rather crashed) NUS Dance Ensemble and as much as i am so thrilled at having the opportunity to dance with a fabulously excellent dance group, i'm always feeling apprehensive. i dunno why. but i feel very intimidated when i'm in class.

i realised this yesterday. somehow, i kept looking at the ground while dancing. insecurities? i kept fumbling at the steps which are not that difficult to execute. it gets very frustrating. however, i feel good dancing. there are times when i dance, i feel like i'm in a different world. and that makes me happy.. i somehow stopped thinking about things. stopped thinking about the next step i am suppose to do. i just.. be in my own world.

and then there are times, and i believe this happens most of the time, i can't help but to think i'm doing everything wrong! that everyone is looking and judging me on how i dance. how i'm not executing the steps properly.. and then i realized, i'm looking at the floor while dancing. sigh.

i think it's tough being a dancer. we grow up being vain having to dance in front of the mirror all the time. i think it's tougher for me.. at least for now. i'm so out of shape and i have to face myself in the mirror.. dancing. it's a gross sight, i tell you.

i'm fat. i have big hips and even bigger ass, argh! i think i might just have a breakdown.

oh did i mention i'm turning twentyone soon!? i don't think i'll be having a party, so that's sad. but i'll be shamelessly posting a list of wot i want for my birthday. all y'all can skip my xmas gift and just get me one of the presents from my list.. ok?

and an early note: if anyone is kind enough to get me the balenciaga motorcycle bag or the mulberry carry all bag.. i'll love you for eternity!