i feel tired. exhausted.

argh. i can foresee a depressing and bleak entry ahead. it's not that i want to keep on writing about these but i guess it's really not up to me. i can't control my emotions. i'm easily affected by things even though i try to show the world that i don't give a damn. it's not fun anymore. life. i'm nearing my ORD and i'm feeling so jaded. it's like i don't find joy in life. not anymore.

i can't pinpoint to the actual cause or reason as to why i'm feeling all bleak but i think it's the idea that i'm getting older. and pretty much not accomplished anything substantial. i'm approaching my 21st birthday like in less than a month's time and i'm apprehensive. i'm crossing over to the adult world and yet i'm no better. older and none the wiser as they all say.

i'm fortunate to have great friends but even that is hanging on a balance. friendships nowadays are so frail. it's a lot of work just to maintain them. and quite honestly, there are times when i feel like i need fresh air. there are those i thought were my confidante, the ones i can share my feelings with, the ones i love dearly and they turn out to be disappointing, judging me and masking it under a coat of support. i don't blame them. i think i'm emotionally draining to handle at times.

i need attention. i'm insecure, so can you blame me?

there are times when i just wanna crawl into bed and stay there forever. 21. and yet i have nothing much to speak of.

friends are one thing but family. that's another shit. i'm leading a gay life and my family has no clue about it. perhaps my brothers do but they're the least of my concerns.. i love my parents and i cannot bear to see them hurt. it's one thing to be gay but it's another to be a muslim and gay. at times i felt like it would be easier to not have been born a muslim. it'll be easier to be gay then. i won't have to reconcile my sexuality with my religion. then again, i'm glad i'm born muslim. at least it gave me the pillars of strength to lean on.

family is very important to me. and yet we are not close anymore. we used to be so close the five of us. but now.. we've grown apart. pushed apart by wealth and insecurities. it's easier to be born not knowing the luxuries money can buy. at least then you'll have your family close. now we don't have the wealth we were used to and it bothers me. it bothers me because my parents are working so hard to get back wot we lost and my first brother is being a pain in the ass. he behaves like we still had money. such hypocrite. we're all in this shit because of you.

i've had enough.

i've never mentioned names in here before except for jin but now i will.

kenny chew. i don't know wot is wrong with you. and honestly, i stopped caring. you always make yourself out to be the victim. victim of circumstance, victim of other people's actions. victim. truthfully, you're not and i'm sick of hearing about it. how many times have we apologized for changing our plans at the last minute? you still claim to be the victim and that we're taking advantage of you. of all the people, i don't see you taking the initiative to salvage wot's left of this friendship. you just sit there and act all high and mighty. winston has been going back and forth ALL the time. running after you, smsing you, grovelling at your feet and still you choose to remain aloof.

you really think all these isn't your fault? i agree we're to blame as well but you have to take responsibilities as well. it's not our fault that you chose not to pick up our call and chose not to tell us that you're out already. honestly, did you think we'd still not go if we know you're out?! you must be crazy! you didn't tell us anything.. you chose to keep quiet and then suddenly you act like it's your god given right to be angry at us. go. to. hell.

i guess i know how eugene must have felt. i'm sorry you feel the way that you felt butyou chose not to talk about it and you chose to keep quiet. we have tried to talk about it and yet you chose to remain aloof. so wot do you want us to do? grovel? i can't do that. i might have considered that in previous years. but not anymore. you wanna talk about having a backbone? i'll show you the door.

i'm tired. i don't need friends. i guess. at the most, life won't be so meaningful anymore. at the most, no one will care if i am gone. at the most, only god knows wot's hidden deep in my heart.