everlasting regret

i caught Lan Yu yesterday. honestly, it was a beautiful story. the characters are so real, it made the whole show all that more beautiful. and poignant. and depressing for me.

sometimes i wonder why i put myself through all these pain and torture. it's too ridiculous to comprehend. i started to cry halfway through the show. not because wot they said to each other was so moving i could not contain myself. but because, i saw myself. pathetic and alone. it's very depressing when all you could do was to sit there and watch the screen as wot you have probably dream about all your life is being played out right in front of you.

my advice for people who wants to watch the show.. bring your boyfriend, your ex-boyfriend or seriously a packet of tissue if you're single. because truth be told, it's too moving to keep you from not crying. too poignant to keep you from being stoic. too depressing to keep you from not comitting suicide.

i think i'm screwed. the whole time watching the show, i could only think of one person. phil. no one else filled my mind last night. not even nicolas. i guess i've lost interest in nicolas. perhaps not so much lost interest.

honestly, my love life is going to be so screwed. i'll forever be comparing all the men i meet to phil and that's not good because no one can measure up. no one could make me feel so secure and so loved without even trying. no one could make me hate him and yet love him all at the same time.

i'm really scared to show him i care. wot if he thinks i'm weak if i should tremble when i speak to him. in all honesty, i cannot describe or begin to try to explain wot it is i'm feeling. or how i got myself into this big hole. i love him. only that much i can be sure. but sometimes i don't think i could endure if i let him walk away when i have so much to say to him.

they say that blind faith will lead love where it has to go but pinning my everything on blind faith is rather unnerving. i'm not sure i can survive the heartbreak. i'm not sure i can take my heart crumbling into tiny pieces.

wot am i to do? i've been a fool. a fool in love.

i guess that's why i'm still holding on to nicolas. at least if things don't work out between us, the pain would not be as immense as if phil and i were to stop seeing each other. were to stop talking. yes rejection is painful. but with nicolas, it's different. i'm so confuse at this moment. everytime i think or i believe i'm falling for nicolas, my heart will bring me to phil. i thought i was in love with nicolas.. alas, my mind plays tricks my heart could not decipher. but i know my heart is calling out.

what should i do when my heart yearns for something it should not?