trust -

i think the basis to any relationship - be it a romantic relationship or platonic relationship - is trust. how do we go on if we don't trust one another? actually, i've never really thought much about it until recently. yesterday, to be more exact. in one fleeting moment, everything just boils down to one thing - trust.

i'm not sure wot really happened because i don't think i did anything wrong. it was so frustrating for me to have to explain to you every single thing that i do or don't do! so i forgot to tell you that we were going out. big deal! no one else knew! i just decided at the last minute that i wanted to join the group since i was already in town and not doing anything afterwards. i am sorry if i don't think about you every single minute because honey.. i really don't! i have other things to think about. you're not my boyfriend for heaven's sake! so why are you tripping on me?!

get a grip! not everything is a devious attempt at excluding you from anything! how could you even think that! i mean after all we've been through? after fighting and reconciling, you still have got the audacity to rake up the past?! i've never bring up the past ever since we started becoming friends again. in fact, we've made an agreement to forget all about it and talk about things if there's anything that was bothering us! i cannot believe wot you said. the words were cutting and accusatory and direct! it's as if it was in my plan to just exclude you.

how can we go on being friends if there isn't a speck of trust between us? i didn't bring up the cash transfer issue when you came back from thailand because i trusted that you forgot or busy with something else. that's right.. i trusted you! a concept totally new to you i suppose! i'm so disappointed in you and in my lack of better judgement in choosing a friend. friends don't accuse and assume the worse. they give the benefit of the doubt to one another. but no. you just jumped right on the train and started accusing me of doing something i totally didn't do. if you were to talk to me or come and see me, i'd show you the smses that paris sent me. i confirmed with him only at the last minute! and nicole r and mao didn't even know i was coming!

at this moment i'm re-evaluating our friendship. i don't know if i want to continue on with this friendship. honestly, it's getting exhausting for me all over again! i started to remember why i could not be bothered with you before!

i never thought it would come to this but i guess my gut feeling was right - we were never meant to be real close friends. acquaintances, maybe. "hi & bye" friends - perhaps. i suppose i should have trusted my feelings when i didn't feel a thing for you. when you left for thailand, i didn't even miss you. honestly, i was not even thinking of calling you. i remember when paris left for japan.. i missed him sorely and dearly. and thus it all became clear to me recently. nothin in the world could take away wot paris, nicole and i had. no matter who joined or left our group.

you once asked me how is it that i can call them my close friends when there was a point of time when we didn't even talk to each other for a long period of time. the answer is clearer to me now. the three of us can stop talking to each other for ten years and it wouldn't change a thing. because when we do start talking to each other, it's as if time never did move. we just pick up from where we left off. that's wot i call true friendship. where nothing can change wot we had.

i guess you will never know wot true friendship is all about because up till now, i don't think you have ever found someone that you could pour out your whole heart and soul to. it's a pity.

i really thought things would be different this time around. i thought the time spent away from each other the last time made us mature and appreciate the friendship that we once had. i guess it did nothing for you. because you are still the same child that i left over a year ago.

steve is right. you'll never change. but i'm afraid paris and nicole are right. someday, i think i'll still end up being your friend once again.

somebody just shoot me - please!