freedom to be me

to be fair, i didn't exactly know wot i wanted to write in this post. i mean, i had a semblance of an idea of wot to write but not so much of how i wanted to put my ideas across. i'm never really good with writing out wot i thought in a coherent and succint entry. but alas, i shall try.

over the weekend, i met up with a good friend - just to catch up on old times since we were so busy slaving for the powers that be. we got into talking about our love lives (again, he was talking about his and i was just imagining i had one to begin with!). listening to him talk, it made me ponder on something closer to my heart. how is it that i am alone?

i began to rationalise with him why i am alone or rather not in a relationship. that lamenting about having one is much better -in my honest opinion- than being in one. after much deliberation, the answer came to me.

having raised as a moslem, religion to me is a very important factor. i place my religion on the highest pedestal before anything else because to me it gives me character. being a moslem makes me understand the reason for me being alive. it gives me peace - of the mind and of the heart. islam, to me, is not a mere religion, it is a way of life. and god is my raison d'etre. to anyone reading this for the first time, i might sound like a good moslem and should be proud of myself. nonetheless, all is not always true.

having been raised as a moslem means that my feelings towards men are definitely a no-no. it's a great sin to be homosexual and to lead a gay lifestyle. thus, i'm hit with a connundrum - my god & religion or the freedom to be myself?

i never really wanted to debate and deliberate on issues such as these because truthfully it'll just kill me. i try to be as good a moslem as i can. i read the holy book, i pray, i don't drink, i don't club (well, not often) but all these just seems so ... i don't know how to explain it.

see, religion is so important to me that i am afraid to get into a relationship. i have huge insecurities about being a gay moslem. how can one lead a gay life and yet at the same time hold his religion closest to his heart? i guess that's why i'm afraid of getting into a relationship. because being in a relationship, it would certainly mean that there will be sex involve and that is a bigger scare factor to me than being in a gay relationship.

yes, i am a virgin! rare find isn't it? a gay man at the prime age of 20, not had sex ever - a rare find indeed. it's not that i value my virginity, i mean please.. i'm a guy! wot virginity? it's not as if there's a hymen to prove it! it's that to me sex or making love is such a sacred thing. and it means so much to me to want to lose it to the right person. my ideals are a little bit too naive i know but allow me to explain.

sex is something very sacred to me. it is a union of two bodies, two souls who loves each other truly. however, i guess the bigger factor to why i choose to remain a virgin lies in the fact that gay sex is a HUGE no-no in islam and if i was to lose it, or rather if i was to have sex with another man, it better be with someone i'm so comfortable with. someone that i trust and i love whole-heartedly. someone who is worth it - in every sense of the word. afterall, i'm about to throw all my beliefs and maybe even my religion out of the window, so it should and must be someone who is worth all these sacrifices.

steve told me that i have to come to terms with myself. the thing is, i have. i know i'm gay and i have accepted that. i just don't know how to be gay and a moslem!

jinesh once told me that i'd be no fun to travel with as i'm unadventurous and not spontaneous. i don't do it on purpose! i mean i'd love to throw caution to the wind and just go with the flow, go out clubbing, meet guys and maybe have sexual flings .. but i can't! how is that even possible?! i have my restrictions and it's not because i have to answer to my parents but it's because at the end of the day, i have to answer to myself! and i don't know if i can!

-on a sidenote, i don't have to be adventurous! i mean i've never had the need to! i was raised to travel on business class and stay in the waldorfs, i don't know how to do budget travelling - period. -

and so there it is. perhaps i'm destined to be single.

but why can't i be gay and a moslem!?