dance like you've never danced before

and that's exactly how i felt. like i've never danced before - ever!

i never exactly wrote about my feelings when i wasn't cast for Dance Ensemble's Evocation '06. i don't exactly know how to. it was really a low point in my life and it's just something i could not comprehend.

was i that bad? am i really not good enough to even make the cut? all these questions ran through my mind and it was really bothering me.

i know i'm one who never really cared about what people think of me but when it comes to dancing, it's a whole different world. it's like your self-worth is determined by the amount of praises you get as well as by the number of parts you are cast for. and when you get none, you start to question the very thing that kept you alive.

maybe i am not cut out to be a dancer. maybe i just want to be a dancer. maybe i am just a wannabe dancer.

i'm pushing myself to work hard for it and each time i do try, it seems like i'm not getting any further. there are times when i look at myself in the full length, wall-to-wall mirror and think to myself - "do i really belong here?"

i look around and i see beautiful people. gorgeous dancers. excellent lines, great forms. and when i look at myself - nothing. zilch. just a blob trying to be something his not.

i cried the night the news broke that i wasn't cast for evo. it was like a dagger burried deep into me. in front of everyone, i sat there not knowing how to react. people coming up to me and asking me what part i got or how come they didn't hear my name being called. i had to rearrange my facial expressions so as not to break down in front of everyone. i don't know. maybe i'll only be the one who appreciates dance from the other side of the stage - as an audience.

it's too difficult for me to handle. so much so that it is no longer fun. dancing used to be very fun for me. it used to bring great joy. i couldn't imagine not dancing when i was in school. now.. i'm not sure anymore.

i designed the programme booklet for evo. i was approached at the very last minute to kinda offer my help and since i couldn't dance for DE, i thought the least i could do was to help them in this aspect. i did a hell of a good job, if i could say so myself.

and then the thank you note for evo came. everyone was thanked and i was left out. beofre you start thinking that i'm so juvenile for getting upset over this, i'm not. she thanked the person who edited my work, and she didn't even so much so as to mention my name. needless to say i was utterly disappointed.

i thought perhaps she had forgotten. but how could she? i mean, she thanked the persone who helped her make last minute adjustments and she left me out of the equation? where was this person from the beginning? and here i thought she could be someone i could lean on when i'm down.

i think i'm too trusting. i tend to give my heart to people easily and more often than not, it backfires. i end up getting hurt. i'm too weak. it has happened before and it's happening again. everyone i trust, the ones that i call my heart, has hurt me and become a totally new person. i dunno. ML, PG, J and now her.

i wished i could fly away from here. away from everyone. i wished i could just be with myself and myself alone. leave me be in my own world and let me live my life. i'm trying to be someone i am not.

i am not me.